Friday, October 2, 2009

Today is one of those days. I feel miserable and grumpy. I am hating this so much. I have been suffering so much with my neck and I am so tired of my GP's comments like "wow, how do you manage to work" & "how are you able to get up in the morning" blah blah blah. Like seriously, yes it hurts, it hurts more than I could ever imagine it would. I am now suffering the effects as they spread from my neck and go down my back & arms and legs. My eyesight is also suffering and thus creating more intense migraines.

I have spinal cervical stenosis. We don't know why. We think that if it was related to getting hit by the hockey puck it would have shown by now. Granted it has been painful for quite a few years, however since I turned 30, they seem to exploded. I am not sure how big the mass within my spinal column has gotten. Last MRI was over a year ago. I also still have the enlarged lymph nodes in my neck and groin and when they flare up naturally my pain increases.

I am living on T4's and I can take 2 at a time with little to no relief. I am so worried to take them though, after my sepsis bout a year ago. The Tylenol 4's had caused my liver to be in failure and I didn't even know.

I hate the pain. It makes me a horrible mother. No one really understands it. I am so young for this to be as bad as it is & I hate it. I have no energy to play much with the boys. Working is a struggle. Acting normal is even harder. Putting on a smile and acting like I am ok feels like I am lying to everyone. I am scared of getting to a breaking point. I hate what the pain does to me. I am such a horrible mom to my precious boys. they should not have to suffer because of me.

I just want it all to go away. For surgery to happen and for me to be the kind of mom that my boys deserve...

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